I’m about a week behind on writing about this, but I do plan on writing out my sixth session soon after this one. The sixth session (my most recent) dug up a lot about past events that I wasn’t necessarily ready to face yet, so I’m trying to decide how to best write that out for you guys. However, I am ready to write about my fifth session so here goes!
This session was a great one. I actually saw the EMDR working this time, instead of assuming I was doing something wrong. EMDR is so fascinating, because it’s something you don’t realize is working until you’ve had time to process it sometime later.
In this session, we readdressed the memory from the first true EMDR session – which was my 4 year old tonsil removal nightmare. From there I came up with a couple of themes – alone, why can’t I do this and what’s wrong with me. All of those are extremely negative, but they are things that I have felt at some point or another with my phobia.
Now, I’ve contemplated how open I wanted to be in this post, because some of the things I opened with my EMDR are rather…well personal. And they aren’t things I typically just drop in casual conversations, even with my close friends and family, but I do think that being transparent will help me not only work through my own feelings but allow you to see how this is really all coming together.
This session was difficult, because it brought up some things that I had been thinking but never said out loud. It’s strange how much easier it is to think of something, but when you are asked to say it and really listen to what you’re saying how it can just really bring up a lot of emotion. I struggled with my final statement, which was “What’s wrong with me?” I came up with, “What’s wrong with me to make my dad and his side of the family not want to see me anymore?” I don’t necessarily want to get into the gritty details of why that is, but just know that most of my dad’s side of the family is no longer speaking to me. I have, however, remained in contact with my grandparents on that side which is a huge plus.
What’s strange to me, even today, is why the question “What’s wrong with me?” was followed by a statement involving my family. Of course, the point of EMDR is to bring up all – or at least most – negative beliefs, process and work through them, then make it seem less dramatic. It could be that my negative belief of “what’s wrong with me?” involving my phobia can’t be rid of until I work through all areas of the statement.
However, it was nice to see the EMDR actually working. If you remember from my previous post, I had a difficult time with the first session. When I brought it up with my counselor, she said that’s actually normal and many people don’t see results in the first session. IT’s a slow process, but once the mind is used to how it’s going to work it kind of just flows out.
Two more things I wanted to touch on about this session. First is the way my mind worked during the EMDR. Everyone has a different reaction to the therapy, meaning how intense the feelings are and how their mind reaches down for the information. For me, it’s kind of like a flow chart. I start with point A, and it jumps to B-C-D before it finally lands on E, which is what sticks with me. What’s extremely fascinating is how it just comes to you. You’re following this hand, waving back and forth, and you’re thinking about some situation, and then BAM – you’re thinking to yourself about something that happened five years ago you hadn’t thought about in months. What’s crazier is how it usually, in some way, is connected to your phobia. As a psychology junkie, this stuff just totally gets me excited and makes me realize just how awesome EMDR is.
Secondly, I wanted to talk about the mason jar. Well, to me it’s a mason jar, but the purpose is at the end of each session, if we are unable to resolve the thoughts that we were working on, she asks me to place all of it into a jar. I had to create this jar, and I thought of a mason jar. What’s crazy is how well it actually works. I picture it as almost hypnotism. She tells me to put it all in this jar and not think or worry about it until the next session, and before I knew it I couldn’t remember half of what we talked about, just the big major points that stuck out to me.
I apologize that I this article is a little less descriptive than my other ones. I really should not have waited so long to write about it, which is why I’m currently in the process of writing about my sixth session which will be out later this week.
On a more positive and brighter side, I’m going to see Lindsey Stirling in Raleigh tomorrow night with my sister. This is seriously the most exciting part of my week and I cannot wait to see her rock the stage. If you haven’t heard any of Lindsey Stirling’s music, I have left you this video for your viewing and listening pleasure.
But, this will be a great way for me to write a little more about the phobia and being in crowded places. Not only will I be surrounded by a lot of people (carrying god knows what), but there will be alcohol. These two are triggers for me, and for the first time in a long time I’ll be doing it without my husband who is my my rock and comfort blanket. I promise to write and share about that as soon as possible 🙂
Okay, well I think that’s everything for tonight. I will have my sixth session up this week, as well as my Lindsey Stirling experience as well!
Until next time, Internet! ❤
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Lastly, I run an Emetophobia Support Group on Facebook. Emetophobia is the intense and irrational fear of throwing up, and it is one struggle I am passionately engaged in. The group is a closed, by request only group to help facilitate sharing and support by all members. It is also private, meaning that the posts you and others make will not show up publicly in your newsfeed.