Dear Diary, I Am #Fearless, Uncategorized
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Dear Diary: Oh, Look, I’m Back (and terribly out of sync)

It’s been over one week since I wrote anything on my blog and I think I needed it. Mentally, that is. I’ve had a lot going on, and to say that my mind just hasn’t been with it would be an understatement.

Between Christmas shopping, an injured back keeping me in a horizontal position as much as possible, my husband starting his first day at work with his new position in Idaho and the stress of moving, my anxiety has been on overdrive.

This means my brain has been anything but cooperative, and has caused me to breakdown and have anxiety at unnecessary things – like seeing a car on the side of the road smoking and assuming that because I did not stop that these people were most definitely going to end up dead.

Or, coming to the conclusion that my back pain was some how, simultaneously, a stomach ulcer, gallbladder disease and cancer.

Yes, those thoughts actually happened.

Regardless of all of that, I always like it when I can share good news on my blog, because let’s face it… emetophobia can be a bit of a downer.

Something that I’m calling a monumental emetophobia victory happened last Wednesday. I had just left the doctors office about my back where they diagnosed me with a small muscle tear. Turns out it was not a stomach ulcer, gallbladder disease or cancer, despite what my panic induced WebMD searching led me to believe.

Pro Tip: Don’t use Google when anxious.

But I digress… After getting home I started eating my Cheddar Bo from Bojangles and half way through I got nauseous. Mid-bite I felt it and I recognized it, managed to some how swallow my food and not panic.

I repeat, I did not panic. I laid there, recognizing this horrible feeling but didn’t get anxious. I didn’t even do my typical anxiety move, which was sit up in bed. I stayed put, just breathing and letting the feeling pass.

Lo and behold, it did pass, as quickly as it came and I moved on with my life. But it was in that moment that I realized two very important things:

  1. I felt nauseous for the first time in my life without anxiety. There was not a single speck of anxiety in my body at that time, and that was amazing.
  2. Anxiety makes your nausea so much worse.

I called my husband after the incident and said that after feeling nauseous without being anxious, I was amazed at how much quicker the feeling passed and how it was far less intense than usual.

Seriously, I was stunned at how much easier it was for me to just lay there and accept my fate when I wasn’t assuming that it was the end of times.

I’m still not sure if my ability not to panic was a fluke, but I’d like to think it’s in part to my dedication to my counseling and EMDR. I’m hoping that future episodes of nausea are always met without panic, and that if and/or when the inevitable happens, I’ll be prepared.

So although I’m a day off of my posting schedule, I do plan to start writing again more frequently. Perhaps it’ll keep my mind off the impending stressers (but amazing things) that will come with the new year.

Until next time, Internet!

If you would like to email me, you can send any questions, concerns, comments or suggestions to I will do my best to respond to you within 48 hours, but if for some reason I cannot get back to you in that time frame, I promise I will always respond as soon as possible. You can also find me on  FacebookTwitterPinterest and Instagram

Lastly, I run an Emetophobia Support Group on Facebook. Emetophobia is the intense and irrational fear of throwing up, and it is one struggle I am passionately engaged in. The group is a closed, by request only group to help facilitate sharing and support by all members. It is also private, meaning that the posts you and others make will not show up publicly in your newsfeed.

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