Dear Diary, I Am #Fearless, Mental Illness
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Dear Diary: Anxiety is Exhausting

I decided that I wanted to do a spur of the moment post and break the radio silence I’ve had on my blog since about Monday of this week. This may go up on Saturday, but I’m currently writing this at 11:30 p.m. Friday night while my husband and dog snore loudly beside me.

I guess that might have been unnecessary information.

So I’m sure you guys remember a couple weeks ago when I decided to open up about a low I’d been having. Well, that’s been almost 3 weeks now, and while I am happier and not feeling as low, the constant anxiety has not stopped.

I have literally been sitting on the verge of a panic attack for 3 weeks and it’s getting rather exhausting. It’s like my brain is the bus from Speed, and if it stops feeling anxious for even one second my mind will explode.

Perhaps that’s a bit over dramatic.

What a lot of people don’t understand about anxiety is that it can literally happen for no reason at all, and can last for as long as it very well pleases. For the first time in my life, I’m just experiencing anxiety in it’s purest form. Usually when I would feel anxiety it would be directed towards something, like my emetophobia.

This time? I’m just anxious. No rhyme or reason to it, just anxious.

I’m thankful that most of the time it’s like background noise and I can tune it out. Then, there are other days, like today for example, where my anxiety bubbles above the top and it just makes me feel overwhelmed at the slightest things.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had constant anxiety like this, so let’s not assume this is a new issue. However, it is the first time I’m making it a goal to be honest, completely honest, with y’all for the sake of showing the true struggles of recovery.

Recovery for a phobia or with anxiety isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, more times than not it’s struggling, crying and dealing with additional panic. So why pretend like my recovery is any different?

2016 has been an extremely crazy year for me thus far, and I’m sure that has something to do with it. A cross country move is enough to send even the calmest of people into a frenzy, something I saw happen with my usually zen husband.

When you put that kind of stress on a person who is naturally anxiety ridden? Well, it’s no surprise I’ve got some residual anxiety.

This is also something I’ve been toying with for a while that could be the reason behind the constant anxiety. This theory is that EMDR is removing the anxiety towards a specific threat (i.e. the fear of the uncontrolled and emetophobia) and now, that anxiety has no where to go. It’s basically generalized anxiety that had an outlet. With that outlet is gone, where is the anxiety going to go?

There have been many nights I’ve told my husband I’m terrified at the thought of getting over this phobia because what happens if it doesn’t fix the anxiety? What if once I’ve rid myself of the primary trigger, I’m just destined forever to be a hot mess of constant anxiety?

I try not to dwell on it too much, because I worry that self fulfilling prophecy could rear it’s ugly head, but it doesn’t change that it is a genuine concern I have. Anxiety is bad enough when it’s directed towards something, so anxiety for no reason at all could literally be enough to drive someone insane.

Or in my case, even more insane.

I can’t stress over why it’s happening, that will surely only make the anxiety worse. What I can do though is recognize the symptoms and focus on what I can fix. Distract myself with writing, movies, crafts and activities; keep myself focused on things that don’t take a lot of brain power to do.

I also feel like you should know that I feel guilty I haven’t posted a Couch Chronicles video this week. I do have an idea though, and while I may not put up new content this week, I think I have a great happy medium for a “better late than never” vlog. I’m hoping I’ll get it done for you guys and up by tomorrow night.

Well, I’m not sure if this was more so a way for me to vent out my issues, apologize to you guys or make myself feel better for being a slacker, but it helped – at least a little bit.

Until next time, Internet.

If you would like to email me, you can send any questions, concerns, comments or suggestions to contact@hashtagfearless.com. I will do my best to respond to you within 48 hours, but if for some reason I cannot get back to you in that time frame, I promise I will always respond as soon as possible. You can also find me on  FacebookTwitterPinterest and Instagram

Lastly, I run an Emetophobia Support Group on Facebook. Emetophobia is the intense and irrational fear of throwing up, and it is one struggle I am passionately engaged in. The group is a closed, by request only group to help facilitate sharing and support by all members. It is also private, meaning that the posts you and others make will not show up publicly in your newsfeed.

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