I’m usually a pretty happy, upbeat kind of person. In fact, it’s kind of what I pride myself on. But, I also made a promise to always try to be as transparent with you guys as possible, which is why this week my Dear Diary post might be a smidge on the pessimistic side.
Over the past week I’ve felt overwhelmed and unmotivated. It’s getting kind of taxing, and that’s the reason I’ve been slacking with writing and the primary reason for the last minute Couch Chronicles post last week.
The positive here is that unlike before, when a week or so of this finally caught up to me, I didn’t have to worry about missing a day of work, or powering through just because I felt I had too. No, today, I got to lay in bed until 1:30 p.m. before venturing out in the world and I think it helped.
It’s funny, because I always joke I have a “stay at home, do nothing” threshold before craziness sets in. That threshold is usually reached at about 3 months, and consists of being anxious, restless, overwhelmed and borderline depressed. I never look for that to happen, but it is interesting to me that these feelings are coming just shy of three months of being home, all day, every day, with limited things to keep my mind busy.
When I get this way, overwhelmed and unmotivated, it triggers a fear that something is wrong. I worry I’m getting depressed, and that sets off the anxiety. I have a dislike of anything negative; negative feelings, words, thoughts, events and even movies are hard for me. I think it’s because I’ve spent so much of my life surrounded by toxic negativity, that I dedicated my life to spreading positivity in any way I can.
I’m not sure if it’s a defense mechanism or simply my mind assuming that any bad feeling is an unwanted feeling. Either way, it’s not fun, and I could spend hours dwelling on the how’s or why’s of these feelings, or I could try to suppress them, but I know I shouldn’t.
Why? Well, because the more I deny the feelings, the worse they get. Sometimes, you have to ride a wave to get back to shore and not fight the pull of the tide. That’s a lesson I try to remember everyday, but some days it’s harder than others to stay true to that.
These feelings I have probably aren’t anymore concerning than the general anxiety I feel from time to time, but when my mind begins to manifest itself around these negative beliefs, I begin to notice it more. And so begins the cycle…
Even on my worst days I always try to stay positive, because to me it’s so important to inject positivity where there is none. As they say: When it rains, look for rainbows; when it’s dark, look for stars.
I don’t want to drag on about my current mood, but I want you to know that I am going to do my best to get back on track. I still plan on putting out a Couch Chronicles this week, and I plan on writing something tomorrow was well.
Until next time, Internet.
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Lastly, I run an Emetophobia Support Group on Facebook. Emetophobia is the intense and irrational fear of throwing up, and it is one struggle I am passionately engaged in. The group is a closed, by request only group to help facilitate sharing and support by all members. It is also private, meaning that the posts you and others make will not show up publicly in your newsfeed.